A Christmas Crack
by black-n-white-stockings
Summary: Take the story of scrooge and throw in the characters of FFX. Beware of crack and severe lack of sense. Belated xmas 2005. Pretty much bashes everyone, with love. Watch for language. Oneshot.


Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to anything the great and wonderful Square Enix does.

A/N: this is purely crack I wrote for a friend for Christmas. Seriously, do not take this seriously. I wrote it in a few hours. And I do not like Seymour. He mouth-molested Yuna.

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Tidus was many things. The best looking guy on his former fighting force against Sin itself, in love, slightly dense, a blonde, but more than that, a hum-bug of a guy. Here it was, Christmas Eve, and he had forced the blitzball team to practice. Wakka and the others had complained to him, but Tidus wanted none of it. The young star wanted his team in top shape for the upcoming tournament. Everyone else called him a slave driver, he maintained he was sensible.

Now, Tidus settled himself in front of the plans he was writing up for the upcoming match. The plays were strewn out on a table top of his small home. Outside, the random villagers that had no other purpose in life than to provide info to some type of god that controlled everyone's movements with an unseen force, were caroling. The villagers lack of conversation skills and vocabulary was scary. If you tried talking to them more than once, they would just repeat themselves. So, it was a big shock to Tidus that they could actually sing an entire song. But the racket they were creating was making it very hard for him to properly work out a strategy. He was trying in vain to come up with some miracle play to defeat his rivals, the Seymour Manwhores, from some island of misfit blue-haired freaks. A formidable team indeed.

As the carolers came to Tidus's door, he pretended not to be home. Only, Tidus forgot his intelligence was limited sometimes, being daft and all. The group of singers waited for several minutes by his front window in hopes of coaxing the local scrooge out of his house. They wanted nothing more than to see Tidus join in the holiday festivities. Tidus wanted nothing more than to summon a giant flan to eat the villagers' heads. Neither group got their wish. Finally, the nameless extras knocked on the other worlder's door.

"I'm not home. Go away."

The carolers looked between each other in confusion. If he wasn't home….then how come he was able to tell them that? Their little NPC brains over-heated and a few of them imploded. Tidus thought it was hysterical.

Some time later, Tidus got up from his expanse of papers to get himself a cup of coffee. It was getting rather late, the colored lights outside now glowing brightly in the moon light. On his way to the kitchen, he swore he thought he had heard someone in his house. When Tidus didn't hear anything else, he shrugged it off and got his drink. As he pushed the door open from his kitchen, Tidus bumped into something. Startled, he jumped and spilled his coffee. Looking up, Tidus found himself face to face with one of his best friends. Who was supposed to be dead.

"WTF, Auron? You scared me. I thought you finally accepted your death, what're you doing here?" Tidus's hand automatically went to his hip while his other hand repetitively made a gesture with his wrist as he spoke. His hand rotated several times, then his arm would extend from the elbow, forward. He tried to stop this, but it continued even after he was done speaking.

Auron tried to remark that it was easy to scare pansies, but instead another voice came out of his body.

"Jafar! Jafar, I'm stuck!" the raspy, annoying voice shouted. Both men stood dumbfounded for a brief moment before pretending that hadn't ever occurred. Tidus's hand finally stopped spazing and he remembered what it was that had spooked him.

"I'm here to warn you Tidus…" Auron began to explain in his normal, deep, sexy man voice. " No time to waste, you're being a royal jerk on Christmas Eve. It's unforgivable."

"Yeah, but you're supposed to be dead. Again. Are you back for good this time?" Tidus responded dumbly.

"No. Listen to me Tidus, I don't have much time. There will be three gho-"

Tidus cut Auron off. "Oh, so you're just visiting? You should have told us, Yuna'll be upset that I didn't make something for you to eat…."

"TIDUS. Stop talking and listen to me. There will be three visitors tonight that will come here knock some sense into that dense blitzball you call a brain. So, you……wait. Yuna makes you cook?"

An awkward pause followed. Auron looked down at Tidus in something of shame, while Tidus looked up at Auron confused.

"Yeah. And I go out to get the milk on Sundays too. Why?"

Another moment of awkward silence ensued. Auron did his best not to shake his ghosty head in utter disgust.

"You are so whipped."

"Am not."

"Y'are too."

"Nu-uh."

Auron tried to grab Tidus by the shoulders to argue, but he went right through and remembered that he was a ghost. He quickly warned Tidus again of the visitors he was destined to host tonight, and left before he re-died in shame. The boy he considered something of a son was the bitch of Yuna. That's not how it's done. Ever.

Some what depressed that Auron considered him to be a man slave, Tidus sighed deeply. He made his way to his bedroom and climbed under the covers. Not two moments later, a bright light began to shine from outside and Tidus felt compelled to get up and stare stupidly at the shiny light. So he did. But, the light got brighter and brighter and in the center of the light, it became apparent some one was standing there. Tidus slowly made his way outside, heading towards the figure in the center of the glow. As he got closer, Tidus could make out the face of…

"Yuna?"

Yuna nodded her head and beckoned Tidus closer. Tidus obeyed.

"I'm the ghost of Christmas past tonight Tidus. I'm here to show you what Christmas used to mean to you." Yuna waited for Tidus to respond, but he stood there patiently waiting.

"No questions, or objections?"

"Are you gunna make me go with you anyways?"

"Well, yes. Why?"

"Then I'll just go." Tidus didn't dare to tell Yuna that he thought it was stupid, or that he was utterly confused by her calling herself a ghost.

Yuna brought Tidus into the light and on saying a prayer, transported them back in time.

"Oh Heaven's light, help us in our plight. Guide us to the past, make Tidus's Christmas spirit last!"

They both shuddered at the horrible rhymes and found themselves back in Tidus's childhood. Only, his childhood was a lie since it had been in Zanarkand, which never existed, they got lost in some weird alternate dimension.

"Yuna, are we lost?" Tidus sounded like a child in a supermarket without a mother.

"No. I uh, totally meant for this to happen. I don't think I equipped the right items for time travel….dang."

They both shared a bland look, filled with a lack of concern. Yuna shrugged and took them back to the present.

Tidus brushed some interstellar dust off his pants and wondered what the purpose of all that was. Yuna sighed and muttered to herself about her job being impossible without a past to travel into.

Tidus shrugged apologetically and Yuna shook her head.

"It's not your fault. Just, can you do something for me Tidus?" The light around her began to fade as Yuna started to travel away. Tidus snapped to attention and nodded.

"Stop being a scrooge tonight. Oh and make sure you leave the cookies out for Santa. Chances are I won't be home in time to do it myself. Can you handle that by yourself?" Yuna's voice got quieter and quieter as she got further away.

Tidus nodded again, as the obedient man slave he was and waved good-bye to Yuna. The very moment Yuna was gone, Tidus heard someone banging about inside his house. Timidly pushing doors open, he wondered if Auron was back again. Oh! It could be Santa too.

"A-Auron?" Tidus called out softly as he neared the source of the noise. It was coming from his kitchen. Someone laughed inside and Tidus pushed the door open. He found himself face to face with Rikku. She was surrounded by mounds of food.

Wiping her mouth clean, she laughed at Tidus. "Is Yunie done with you already?"

Tidus took this the completely wrong way and became immediately defensive.

"Nu-uh. Yuna and I are gunna get married. She told me so! I love her." This only caused Rikku to laugh harder.

"Tidus, that's not what I meant at all. Want some?" She held up a large turkey leg to Tidus, who shook his head to signal he did not in fact want any food.

"Okie dokie. Then come on, I want to show you something." Rikku grabbed Tidus by the arm and dragged him across the village. She stopped in front of the window of Wakka's home and pointed at it.

"Look in here Tidus."

Tidus complied and peered into the window. Inside, Wakka and family all sat around the Christmas tree. It was small and bare. As was the dinner table. Tidus frowned at the sight and looked up at Rikku.

"That's not the table Wakka normally has. Lulu likes the one with the ornate carvings on it. And I was here yesterday, that's not their tree either." Tidus felt the sting on his cheek as Rikku back-handedly slapped his cheek with her hand.

"Just pretend, ok? Jeez, you really are no fun on Christmas." Rikku commanded exasperatedly. Tidus pouted for a moment and then looked back into the house.

"It looks pretty staged to me."

Another slap. Rikku glared at Tidus and decided that she didn't like being any ghost of Christmas.

"If you really have this much of an issue, then read the script." Rikku really want Tidus to enjoy the holiday season now so she could get to that Christmas party Kimahri was hosting on time.

Tidus looked down at the paper in his hands and read it aloud slowly.

"Wow, that's a really small tree Wakka has. Is it because I made him practice until late tonight and he didn't have enough time to go out with his family to get a pretty one?...ok, who ever wrote this needs to re-write it. How the heck am I supposed to make that conclusion?"

Rikku glared at him and silently threatened to use machina to throttle him in his sleep.

"Do you regret making everyone practice today? Don't you feel a little more generous, a little more enthused by the holiday?"

Tidus nodded and sighed. If he had known making everyone practice today would've been such a big deal to the town, he would've shortened practice by a good eight hours or so. He straightened his legs and stood up. Waving good-bye to Rikku, Tidus walked home tiredly. It was really time for bed. Unfortunately for him, his friends weren't done with him yet. Upon his arrival home, Tidus found Payne waiting for him.

Tidus audibly groaned and rolled his eyes.

"Who are you supposed to be?"

"The ghost of Christmas yet to come, you Yuna-stealing lover." Payne stood in his doorway, looking irritable and impatient. Her short hair shined in the bright glow of the Christmas lights.

"Now let's go."

Tidus stood still for a moment thinking. He looked over at Payne and nodded to himself.

"Isn't that ghost supposed to be scary and silent?"

Payne pulled Tidus closer by the collar of his yellow vest and hissed into his face.

"You're not really worth the energy it takes to give someone the silent treatment. And seeing as I'm the jealous ex that Yuna left when you showed up again, don't you think I'm scary?"

Tidus pushed away from her and fixed his vest.

"What do you want?"

Payne pointed at Tidus menacingly and spoke to him in low, warning tones.

"If you don't change your ways, you'll have to go through this every Christmas Eve, and you'll still lose to the Seymour's in blitzball. Not only that, but!" Payne's arm shot forward and messed up Tidus's hair. "You'll suffer the worst fates of fates! A Final Fantasy hero with bad hair! MWAHAHAA."

Payne was on a power trip and Tidus knew how to stop her. It was unforgivable to touch his hair. Everyone knew this; it was an unspoken law of Final Fantasy life. It was almost as bad as cosplaying as Sephiroth if you were a fat black man. The point was, no one should ever attempt it. He stepped forward and the random battle began. It only took two turns for him to completely 0wn Payne. Ever since the unseen god had played Tidus so much that he had covered the entire sphere grid, beating people had become really easy. He only wished he had been this strong the first time he had fought Seymour. That bisexual bastard…..that evil man who had hurt Tidus's manly pride by hitting on him. Then the guy had the gall to try and marry the woman Tidus loved. Tidus shuddered at the mere memory.

Once the random battle was finished, Tidus pleaded with her to tell him how he could make-up for his wrongs. She just laughed at him. Some where in the world, that annoying NPC summoner whore who had bothered Yuna's gang early in the game for being having so many guardians exploded. Police reports would later say there was no cause and it had been a random incident. They were right.

So, the adventure ended and Tidus remembered to put out cookies like Yuna had asked. The next morning, everyone was happy. Except for Tidus and Payne. Tidus was tired from not getting any sleep and Payne was just in her usual state of annoyance. And thus this story comes to close. But, not before everyone sings you a song! Gather!

The entire gang gathered around and began to sing.

"_We begin on Christmas Eve with me,  
Mark, and my roommate, Roger.  
We live in an industrial loft on the corner of 11th street and-"_

But then they realized they were singing lyrics to something completely unrelated and went back to celebrating Christmas.

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Hope you enjoyed the crackiness of it all, and Merry Christmas season. Oh, and the lyrics were from RENT.


End file.
